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Day One-- Dreaming
Thoughts poison us with truth and belief distilled with desire and ignorance. None that have complete truth and meaning
to stop the world and shock the nation. Every moment frozen for the purpose of one's pleasure or pain, and at last, the mind
is one with the essence that we so laughingly call the soul.
I show myself without my skin of lies and iced truths. Truth be told by a bleeding stranger. My life's requirement
falls to the ground beneath me and i gain strength in this, although it would make sense for me to fall to my end. I cannot
die. I have so much to say, so much to proove, so much to discover of myself. As i continue to bleed onstage, soon to be emptied,
if nothing fills me post bleeding. Enlightenment pours into me and discovery feeds me, while past bleeds from me, and former
thoughts, sorrow, and hatred once felt so often bleed onto the surface i rest my feet upon.
My heart could no longer be referred to as my hopes, love and feeling. The heart is a pump. A pump that bleeds into
my veins and forces me to continue with this unwritten, never concieved drama we call life. I cannot die... i want to, but
not yet, not now, i have work to do. i fall to my knees and take hold of your hand that you wish to be free to slap me because
my strength is not completing the glass of my worth. I hold your hand and i tell you bluntly, my "heart", my "soul",
regardless of the airhead category you have treated me to, i face the pain and embrace the moment as i tell you in four words,
my hope diminished due to the worlds sucess in making me feel sorrow....
"it hurts to live..." a long awaited tear falls to my chin. You look at me with confused eyes and a newfound
loss of lingering respect, and a heightened sense of disgust.
"i cannot pity you." you say as i remain fallen and unable to stay together. "I know you hurt," you
sigh, "but dont we all?"
"i do not wish for pity, i wsih to be free of the burdens this world has placed upon my shoulders. i bleed truth,
and self discovery. this world must be aware of the lack of enjoyment and the weight of distress some of us feel. i am modest
at most times. i shake the pain off like a stray rat clinging to a wellbred dog. At times, though, i am shamed to admit, the
hurt is unbearable and i want to utter my true emotion to those who fail to see it. see me as i bleed, don't think of me as
a fool who knows no pain--"
"if you knew no pain, you wouldnt know--"
"i would be happy"
"you would not need to be who you are now..."
"i would not need to long for the end, where my blood is depleted from my body. I only hold on for the sake of dignity."
wordless, you pry my hand from yours, and you leave me; bleeding, trembling, unable to die.
Inspired By Someone Pretty
When you look at all that surrounds you, I'd bet you don't take in to consideration
the screams rushing through everyone's heads surrounding you. They look so calm, and peaceful, could you ever guess the deafening
chaos that plays out through their thoughts day after day? The meaning to that dull old ladies favourite saying "never judge
a book by it's cover" has more and more meaning once one takes the time to read into all that surrounds them. The filth I
am surrounded by sees me as filth as well, and I was blind to it. It's obvious, and unmistakeable.. I am condmned
to walk amongst the filth that I am sadly so much alike, and they feel pain just like me. Something i was unable to see. I
failed to see their cries for help because my eyes were clouded with my own. I gracefully walk among the sespool that I
will spend the rest of my days in, and somehow, regardless of the torment I have experienced due to their insensitivity, I
pity them. Poor people. If one day I was cursed with the ability to read everyones minds, I would lose my sanity,
and shelter myself from the thoughts this world is filled with, because sadly, some are more hurful than those I'm farmiliar
with. I feel selfish, yet unable to fully feel remorse for their suffering. It looks so peaceful, and seems so happy
all around, but It's mind piercing, never ending torture. Did you ever look at the world like that?
FeaR--
i have finaly become certain of my feelings towards someone else, and for once i am satissfied with soemthing i have,
but now i am more scared than ever, afraid to sleep, afraid to wake up because of the uncertainty tomorow holds.
im afraid of being hurt, left alone in the cold desert like abyss that i had once become so farmiliar with.
- -VisionS- -
once again, my fear has come to stare me in the face, even after all the assurance i thought i
needed. i was afraid i would get hurt, he told me i wouldnt, i am dammaged, i was afraid he would get hurt.. he should have,
he should be the one to suffer. all my fear, all my thoughts, a vision of horror, or a vision of truth? a coinsidence,
or an inevitability?
because i saw the way things would be, i saw in you, the strength i need. once enduring the suffering,
and stuggle that you have caused, a new tolderance, a new strength is born. i will not cry for anyones idiocy, not yours,
not even my own.
as i lay there with comforting voices telling my it was almost over, i screamed in torture, only 10 seconds
left, and i would have a whole new liife ahead of me. i saw a part of me, so small... never to be seen again.
the final
tear rushed down my face and i asure you, final means final. a new life is ahead of me, without your lies, and deciet, without
my fear, and visions of morbid truth.
all i have seen, and more has come true, i was right, and thats what kills you,
nothing you do will give you the lift that you need, i shall be the one who will conquer, i shall be the one who is freed
- -consumed in boredom- -
oh happy day.... uh.. well for some.. thoughts swim through my mind, somethings cannot be mentioned to to the small cast
of viewers that wasted their time getting even this far... one thing i can say though, trust is an illusion we all love to
fool ourselves into believing is an easily achieved accomplishment. the ones who you trus have most likely manipulated you,
and the ones you dont have yet to fashion thier skill at twisting your mind into thier conrtol. all at once can we see the
odd outcomes in ourlives and not even be able to cry, and other times we may be blind to all that is around us, and cowar
in torment and fear
like i said... oh happy day... for some.. the some who are blind.
PLANETARY ILLNESS
its as if i've lost all interest in this world, and i've managed to lose grasp of all ability to care. what will this
turn me into, and will i maintain my own sanity with the knowledge that i have within due to self discovery? what can i say
to make it make sense to those around me? what can i do to say how i feel without hurting those i can tolerate? i think that
my life has turned into an overly negative mess.
Lost...
i can't see, i can't breathe, i can't hear, i am dying. my life
is lost, no purpose for living, after i am gone, rejoice will be in effect. i wish i was a child, i wish i wasn't here, older,
younger, no longer sane, after everything, i am nothing. once you see me, i am gone. hold the only thing you desire, don't
let is slip away, my life is ruined, all hopes lost. i hate the world today, dont want to be here tomorow, what will you do
when im gone?nothing can make my pain go away, nothing can make things better, no longer willing to live here, i cannot stay
with you. im scared, i am lost i don't know where i am. forever here, always in pain, nothing can take this away. i would
love to love you, hate to be loved by you, all i want can never be. i need to trust you, accept you and know you before my
feelings can be returned to you. i hate the way ive been treated,i hate the way im forced to feel, i choose nothing i need
to be, because my needs aren't decided by me. do you want me to be happy? i dont need it, simply a strong
desire to me, all i fear chases after me, fuck this world, its gone to me, destroy the fucking way i feel. dont allow this
pain to spread, this fucking pain i feel, i dread. how do you know me? you dont need me, i see what i choose to see, it's
the only way i can be free, so i tie myself down, if i move, ill be captured, locked up in so called freedom. it's still not
good enough for me.
pain, and hatred, tortured with lust, cruelty devours, whom do i trust? all i can say, nothing can i be. i lay deep in ground,
whats left of me? loved by none to say it, admittance comes rare. fearful angel of anger, killed by cruelty and dispair. if
the happiness searched for, came to see this bloody child, nothing in these dreams would come true and make me defiled. i
hold forever my child lost, in my arms, i remember, the pain you've caused. gashes and slices, wounds that scream the end.
today is the day i am devoured, for theres nothing to defend.
my theory
things usually only happen because we allow them to, we somehow force our lives under our control, we make things hapen
to suit our needs. sometimes we fail, sometimes bad things happen, and a little bit of our sanity is taken away, sometimes,
when all out strengths go towards making things happen, or just making our lives remain normal, someyhing happens. seemingly
beyopnd our control, but oddly enough, was once so much under our control, and thats what makes us snap. the what if's. the
whys, the knowing that if we'd payed m,ore attention, things would be different, but theyre not. too late. and thats when
our sanitys run free. sometimes, sometimes we are able to keep our misfourtune, our lack of sense unf\der control, because
all else failed, something muct remain in place.... but when theres nothing else that can be done about anything anymore.
well. ask yourself when you are talking to the only person who really understands,who was really never there.
Nameless
you prommised me the world, you prommised me riches, you prommised me love, and now you are gone. you prommised me evereything,
till death do us part, you prommised me changes, and now im alone. you said you would love me till the day we're both gone,
you said you would need me , but forever was too long. you never wanted to deliver, you never wanted me, you prommised me
you wouldnt betray me, and here i am disgraced. the rings i wore to show our love are now defiled with lies and tears, the
kisses, the words, they were all lies, and you've brought back all my fears. in every thought, every fantassy id conjure,
there you'd reside, and my love, you had conquered. alas, here i am, alone and shattered, your trash i remain, broken and
battered. the life the love the prommises are gone, and nameless you remain, my only one true love....
im sorry Jenn...
im sorry that on your birthday you had to watch the man you were to marry kiss someone else, im sorry he moved on after
you died, and if i could bring you back, i would, so you two can be happy like you should have been.
im sorry Katty...
you are so important to me, and you make my day bright, and my hope for those younger than me stronger. you worry me
though, and i want to take care of you. so, im sorry i had to hurt you like this, i hope you can forgive me...
im sorry Sarah...
im sorry we will never be together again, you moved on, as must i, but it tears me appart knowing that our love wasnt
strong enough... if we couldnt stick together, who can?
im sorry Mum...
sorry ive become everything you never wanted me to be, sorry im not your perfect little girl. i still care though, and
no matter how much i hate everyone else, i will never stop being the genuinely caring person you raised so well.
im sorry...
i dont know what else i can apologize for, but i know ive done something else wrong, so im sorry that i did it, and i
hope whoever i hurt can forget about my stupidity
so it has come to the point as of later that one person is always on my mind. and who else would it be, other than the
only person ive ever been in love with. i cant forget the warmth, and the security. how we always had an adventurous outlook
on intimacy. and how we were able to be so relaxed and happy with one annother. i remember that those eyes that would haunt
me one minute, and being warmth into my heart the next. for 10 moths, we held hands, and i felt so certain of everything,
and i thought i know, that yeah, it would be forever. we planned our marriage over and over, always catching important details
that we'd fix each time, like how we wanted the dress, and the tux, and if it would be big, or if it would be on february
3rd, or july 3rd... wed decide if we wanted it outside or in, and then wed plan on our lives together, we decided wed move
to vancouver after we got married, and wed decided that wed get a hush puppy and name it george, we were also going to have
a little girl, perry justice.. all of this... the best memories of my life time... and then the worst tears ive ever had to
cry. constant torment suffered daily, just facing the fact that i was all alone... nothing could ever hurt me more,
and i dont know if i will ever love or hurt like that again. but, love.. if your listening.. reading.. just remember, that
no matter what i said, i never stopped loving you, and i never stopped wanting you back
so here it is. here is my life. it sits in my hands like a flaming vessle of torment and screaming demons that bleed
endlessly. and here it is, the permanent scar, the never fading burn mark right across my face: this curse that has been laid
upon my head so that, would i find happiness, it will be soiled, and should i find joy, it will be stripped, and should i
find myself caught in a neverending cycle of pain, despair, and horror, that it will never end, and would i accept it? no.
would i accept fate, take the hand of a lie, a myth, a fanmtassy that suggests a god, a higher being that watches over us
in a perverse despirastion to manipulate all that walk below him/her and watch them suffer, watch them cry, die, bleed, scream,
puke, live, bear children, and FUCK. no. i do not take this hand that has been fabricated of lies and frauds. i will not take
your poison in ignorance. i will not accept your filth, i will not acept this garbage, i will not accept a fate that suggests
that before i am born, before i breathe true air, my fate is sealed, that i have a destiny, that weather i get cancer, aids,
malaria, or some horrible sick sick deformity to impair me or not is planned out. i do not accept that if i am happy or not
is not up to me, but some omnicient being that does not breathe, but somehow feels. if in time, the devil eats my soul, and
i see that this fraud you force down my throat is not really a fraud, than so be it. but for now, i will not be your fool,
your puppet. i cut my strings, and refuse to be your doll, your play thing. and here i slit my throat as MY choice, because
its my destiny if i say so. no way will i accept that i have no control over my life. or would that i be destined to be unhappy.
well i shall see in time. i refuse to believe that my heart is fated to be broken by the one i have handed it over to, as
has it been by so many others,and i will not say: "than let it be", i will not lay down and wait for some fucking fantassy
to play itself out. there is no script, there is no plot, no theme, no happy ending where the villain will suffer. this is
life. this is MY fucking life and if you insist on my lying down and letting you control me, you will be horribly dissapointed.
here i stand, and i push against this wind, and all you spit at me, and though i remain immersed in your fitlh, i will not
swallow, i will sooner suffocate than let any of this trash go down my throat. and if i go crazy, you will most certaintly
know. because when i lose my mind, i will get on my knees, and pray.
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so this is me, this is my life.
a failure among failures caused by one, who just so happens to be a failure, caused by a mistake, a mistake that was chance
brought on by a loveless marriage, along with other failure siblings to wreak havoc on this world in which i am forced to
endure. sometimes i wish i had been left to stem cell research. and yet, here i am. am i cursed? is it my fate? or am i just
by chance a failure, and have i just by chance been weighted down by all things disastrous? or is it just a chance that everything
in my life turns out to have horrible circumstances. |
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things have been looking up for me lately, and i have everyone to thank:
my mother: for sticking it out, and sticking with my through my addiction threats, and every other problem ive ever had.
i dont know what id do without you. you brought me here, you gave me life, and for the first time in my life, i dont hate
you for it, im greatful. thank you.
morgan: my closest friend, my confidant, my confidence, my advisor, my pillow, my pretty much everything. even though
sometimes we dont keep in touch, ive never been so close to anyone, and though she lives in PEI, and i in ontario, shes still
my BEST friend, and everything to me. shes helped me keep strong through the hard times, and always made me laugh, she celebrated
the good times with me, and made my life liveable. morgan, you are something else, and i only wish i had your wisdom. thank
you so much for everything.
Kara: a new friend, but a good friend nonetheless. she is always there when i feel all alone in the world, and has never
failed to make me feel cared for, and though we met under terrible circumstances, im thankful, somewhat, for that night, just
because i met her. thank you Banana, for being there to hug, to hold, to toxify my lungs with, and to just plain trust. ill
always do my best to look out for you, and be your protector, i dont know what id do if something happened to you. thank you
for putting up with me, and all my bullshit.
Tash: my girl, one of the best people ive ever met me, and maybe the best thing thats ever happened to me. shes everything
ive been looking for, and thensome. after 3 days of knowing eachother, she kept me on the line for a total of 34 hours so
far, and i could listen to her voice all day. she makes me feel like no one has ever felt before, not even "she" made me feel
this way. i look forward to many years with you, Tash, and i hope that i can always make you as happy as you make me.
Emily: though she seems ignorant to my situation, and to just what im going through, she is still there to confide in,
and though i havent found the words to say it to her yet, she is the only member of my family who i think will actually understand.
she is a good friend, and my bilogical sister, she is sweet, and caring. even though we have our fights, and call eachother
names, and get pissed off with eachother, i couldnt ask for more in a sister. i wouldnt trade you for anything, and im glad
youre my sister. thank you.
Laurence: my brother, my idol. jealousy is an ugly emotion, but though im jealous of his success, i look up to him, and
admire him, and hope that some day i can have everything he has. hes the only one who i can learn from, and he always has
my hanging on every word. im so proud of him, and proud to be his sister, just because he is who he is. thank you laurence
for being a big brother, and being the perfect role model.
Greg: someone ive been able to turn to for 4 years, and i can always depend on him to cheer me up. though we never see
eachother, and dont talk all that much, hes helped more than he knows.. thank you.
Jenna: for always making me feel beautiful, and loved. for always being on my side, and being my other half. i miss you
so much already, and i wish we could have finnished school together, but i hope ill at least be able to see you graduate.
we've both changed so much since we've met, but theres nothing id change about you, and im glad i had the pleasure of being
in your presence. thank you hunni, you mean a whole bunch to me.
it has come to my attention not too long ago, that things arent going the way id like them to be, so i decided to take
action and turn my life around. though my plans for the next few years are foggy, at least i have a vague idea of what my
future will look like, and just like i have always wanted, i have someone to get there with. im going to travel, and do well
in school, and do everything i can to enjoy life before im stuck in a hot kitchen all day :|
im sorry for all the complaints, and the misery. the angsty teenager thing is really bullshit. though i still have anger,
and i still have hatred, that doesnt mean i wont be happy. and of course poetry and writing will always be my outlet, and
of course ... some things just dont change.
i hope the next time im writing in here, its not because everythings gone crashing down on me.
ta fer now.
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